The remembering worse.

(I am just going to write this as it comes so forgive me if this gets a little long. I won't force you to read it, I promise! :) )

I have never lost control of myself in love... till now. Boyfriends have come and gone in the past - I felt sad, I picked myself up, I carried on and so did life. None of this is happening to me right now, and I am a little perplexed. I am Sun, Moon, Venus in Pisces with a Cancer rising. Jealous much?? lol siiiiiiiiiigh.

One day, I fell in love with an Aquarian and we were together 2.5 years. Now I know a Pisces/Aquarian relationship is a challenge, but I love their charisma and vitality. I am part extrovert and part introvert... but my introversion can really take center stage at times and I just like to observe rather than participate. Aquarius pulls me along for the ride and I am fully entertained while he does all the social work. ;) He had many qualities that as a Pisces I could only admire, but I felt so lucky that I had someone with his strengths in my life. There were ups and downs, the sex was amazing BTW - I think he got off on my ability to be a bit of a vixen and then his getting off in turn got me off until it was just a whirlwind of magic and passion.

Somewhere along the way I failed to realize he was more of an alcoholic and druggie than he was willing to admit. I've done my own experimentation, but I don't get carried away and definitely don't require substances TO have fun. In my naiveté, I assumed that people I know are just like me and that those with real "problems" are definitely not in my circle. I hate to admit it, but I think that coming to this realization caused me to attach myself more to him (we have a Moon square Neptune in our synastry). Before I knew it, I became all caught up in him to the point that I started to lose touch with where I ended and he began. I've never felt so lost in someone as I felt in him - like an addiction, it felt so good and yet so frightening at the same time. It was agony and yet ecstasy. I like intensity, but it became too much for me. There were other things that led to our demise, but long story short - you guessed it, we broke up.

Our break up was slow and heart shattering for me. Like ripping off the band aid slowly, we kept seeing each other every few weeks and would make the most passionate love (that would make most of you jealous I am sure. lol.) which would then send us both into a whirlwind of confusion. Finally, he had to put his foot down and we stopped all contact. I felt each hair ripped from the roots and magnified. I can't understand this. I am usually good at realizing when something is just not working and I anticipate the break up, begin to gather the pieces of my heart and part with some tears, but life goes on!

I feel stuck in a time warp right now. I am having the hardest time accepting that this has ended, that this chapter in our lives is indeed over and will never, ever be again. Never. Be. Again. Those words drive a thousand knives into my heart... All those memories, our investment in each other, the intimacy we shared... just leaves blowing in the wind now. So hard to accept that!!! How can love turn into dust? It should be the thing we fight for more than life itself, but we let it go. We let it become extinct. I feel like a part of me has died and I can no longer look at things the way I used to. Some days I am okay, but sometimes - at night especially - there's a heavy cloud that weighs on me. I'm in the fog and I can't see a way out of here.

It's been 3 months now and I still have a candle burning for him in my heart. When I stop and think about it objectively, I realize that it is for the best and maybe sometimes love really is just not enough. Compatibility and common ground is a huge factor. I know these things, but my heart falls over and over into despair at this loss that feels so insurmountable. I know all the advice says that you need to blow out the candle, say goodbye, wish him well and then move on. How does one do this? Even the thought of truly letting go makes me nauseous. I tried to put away or get rid of some of the pictures of our "memories" the other day, took them all down off the walls and just sat with them for a few minutes. I couldn't do it. I put them all back again. Taking them down would mean letting go. I think. I can't touch them again... not yet. SO there they sit and here I am. Stuck in time, waiting for my life to move forward. I am stubbornly holding onto a flame that will never again burn. WTF! I have the freedom to do any number of things with my life with no restriction now, so why does the thought of that pale in comparison to having him in my life?

I have traveled the world, lived in dangerous 3rd world countries, been fearless in love and life, but no experience has been more difficult, not broken me more, brought me to my knees in full surrender of my hopes and dreams than the loss of this love.

There is nothing to be
done.

only accept it. . .

and hurt.

I think this is more of a vent than anything else. Sisters and friends tire of being listening ears sometimes. :)

Thanks for listening. xxx